Good Foods/Bad Foods

One of the hardest aspects of my recovery has been getting over the labeling of foods as either bad or good. Come on it's how we were raised since we were in diapers. Save your dessert until after your supper. Don't eat that ice cream until you finish your vegetables. All foods have been categorized in some random fucking hierarchy of goodness. If we ate "good food "we were good. If we ate "bad foods" we were then of course bad. I began as early as the age of 10 feeling bad or good depending on the food I consumed that day.  Every night when I put my head on the pillow, I would sum up my entire day as either a success or a failure depending on what I ate and how much I ate of it. When beginning counseling for my eating disorder, one of the first things I had to do was to allow myself to eat what ever I wanted without any judgement. I spent the first few months eating so much cake and chocolate that I thought I was going to turn into a great big piece of chocolate wipe out cake. Two years later... food doesn't call me from the cabinet anymore and I can eat a few bites of a dessert and leave the remainder. That is PROGRESS.  I know what you are thinking... but are you at a healthy weight now?Well no, I am not. That will come in time. Everyday I work very hard choosing foods that make my body feel good , food that sounds good to me and tastes good to me and I do this without judgement(most times).

Fuck Diets! Now What?

After spending most of my life dieting and restricting in some form or another, I finally get it. Dieting has made me the size that I am today. I have been on one long restrict/binge cycle. I have gained and lost hundreds and I mean hundreds of pounds. I'm done... so now what ?I have spent  the last two years in and out of eating disorder counseling and have slowly moved myself from  denial to acceptance to now... ACTION.  I am currently practicing the intuitive eating method. For those who are not familiar, get the book it is fantastic. The premise of the book is basically (and I am very simply summarizing) eat when you are hungry and stop when you are pleasantly full. Sounds easy but it is not. I am working daily on rating my hunger/fullness on a scale of 1-10 

( 1 -empty =ready to kill someone and 10=so full you must lay down and unbutton your pants) I never let myself get too hungry(under a 3 or a 4) as that is likely to end up in me overeating at my next meal. I am learning daily that I can trust myself around food and that I deserve more for myself. I am worth it!

Follow My Journey

I'M DONE, I'M DONE, I'M DONE!

I've Stopped Dieting and have committed my life to getting to the real problem, my relationship with food. I AM DONE WITH DIETING and beating myself up in the process. I've looked past the fat,not necessarily liking what I see but accepting it. I want to be free, I want to live and enjoy my life and stop waiting for my life to begin. I have dropped the fantasy that my life will be perfect if I was thin. My life is perfect just the way it is, flawed and beautiful. Just like me. Follow me in my journey as I blog my daily progress, into, through and beyond an eating disorder.... one step at a time.